his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
