Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
