He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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