A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
