Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
