you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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