grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize