I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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