Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
