Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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