The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize