i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
