we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
