her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
