apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
