Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
