I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
