i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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