We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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