you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
