God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
