the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
