I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
