I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
