I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
