This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
is that a dick in a sweater?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
