u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
