I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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