i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
