I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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