brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
