If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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