So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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