I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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