would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
