My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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