watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
