I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
