I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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