hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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