i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
