I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
from now on my penis is your penis
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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