I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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