i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
