i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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