Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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