no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
