totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is wine microwaveable?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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