On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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