My girlfriend figured out who you are.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
