During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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