I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
