his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
