sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
