If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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