u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
