u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
