These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
