Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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