my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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