Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
