I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
