Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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