Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
